Anan Menene Alaƙar Polyamorous A zahiri shine - da Abin da Ba haka bane

Wadatacce

• Menene ma'anar polyamorous?
• Alakar polyamorous ≠ alaƙar buɗe ido
• Wasu alaƙar poly suna da “tsari” yayin da wasu ba su da
• Jama'ar kowane jinsi, jima'i, da matsayin dangantaka na iya zama poly
• A'a, kasancewar poly ba "sabon salo bane"
• Haɗuwa da Polyamorous ba kawai game da kwanciya bane
• Amma, ba shakka, jima'i na iya zama wani ɓangare na shi
• Matsakaicin maɗaukakiyar alaƙa * ba * don sadaukarwa-phobes
• Idan kuna son yin gwaji tare da saduwar polyamorous, kuna buƙatar yin binciken ku
• Bita don

Bethany Meyers, Nico Tortorella, Jada Pinkett Smith, da Jessamyn Stanley duk masu salo ne na AF, ƴan kasuwa marasa ƙarfi suna yin raƙuman ruwa akan ciyarwar ku. Amma suna da wani abu guda ɗaya: Duk sun bayyana a matsayin polyamorous.

Ya zuwa yanzu da alama kun ji labarin "polyamory" da "alaƙar polyamorous." Amma ka san abin da suke nufi? Sai dai idan kai ma poly ne, Stanely ya ce wataƙila ba ku yi ba. A cikin wani Labari na Instagram na baya-bayan nan, ta ce, "Polyamory ya ruɗe tare da son yin jima'i ko buƙatar yin jima'i da mutane daban-daban, wanda a zahiri ba abin da ake nufi ba." (Masu Alaka: Yadda ake Samun Ingantacciyar Abokiyar Polyamorous)

Don haka menene alaƙar polyamorousa zahiri game da? Don gano hakan, mun tuntubi masana ilimin jima'i waɗanda suka ƙware a kan ɗabi'a ba tare da auren mace ɗaya ba. Anan, suna bayyana ƙa'idodin polyamory kuma suna kawar da wasu daga cikin mafi yawan kuskuren da ke kewaye da shi.

Menene ma'anar polyamorous?

Abokinmu Merriam Webster ya ce kalmar "polyamory" tana nufin mutanen da ke da alaƙa da alaƙar soyayya fiye da ɗaya a lokaci guda. Yayin farawa mai kyau, masu ilimin jima'i da polyamory sun ce wannan ma'anar ta rasa ɗayavv muhimmin bangare: yarda.

"Polyamory tsari ne na ɗabi'a, gaskiya, da yarda bisa ƙa'ida wanda ke ba mu damar yin hulɗa da yawa (poly), soyayya (soyayya)," in ji malamin jima'i na jin daɗin jin daɗi da mai ba da shawara game da jima'i, Lateef Taylor. "Bangaren yarda a nan yana da mahimmanci." Don haka yayin da za a iya samun kusanci da/ko alaƙar jima'i da yawa da ke faruwa a lokaci guda, kowa da kowa (!!) da abin ya shafa ya san cewa waɗannan abubuwan haɗin gwiwa ne a wurin.

Lura: Idan kun taɓa shiga cikin dangantakar auren ɗaya kuma an yaudare ku ko aka yaudare ku, ku sani hakan shine.ba polyamory. "Ha'inci hali ne wanda zai iya faruwa a kowace irin alaƙa saboda kowane irin ɓarna ne a cikin yarjejeniya ko iyakokin alaƙar," in ji malamin jima'i da masanin ilimin halin dan adam Liz Powell, Psy.D., marubucinGina Buɗe Dangantaka: Jagoran Hannunku Don Yin Swinging, Polyamory, & Beyond.Fassara: Kiran kanku "poly" ba kyauta ba ce don ku ko abokin tarayya don haɗawa da duk wanda kuke so.

Alakar polyamorous ≠ alaƙar buɗe ido

Yawancin sharuɗɗan alaƙar da ba na mata ɗaya ba galibi suna rikicewa da rikicewa. Malamar Jima'i da alaƙa Sarah Sloane, wacce ke koyar da azuzuwan wasan motsa jiki na jima'i a Kyawawan Vibrations and Pleasure Chest tun 2001, ta yi bayanin cewa ba tare da mace ɗaya ba (wani lokaci ana kiranta da'a ba auren mata daya)duka daga cikin wadannan.

Wataƙila kun ji kalmar "queer" da aka kwatanta da kalmar laima? To, Sloane ya ce "wadanda ba a yi auren ɗaya ɗaya ba yana aiki a matsayin laima, kuma." Ƙarƙashin wannan laima akwai wasu nau'ikan alaƙar da ba ta ɗaya ba, gami da alaƙar polyamorous, da kuma jujjuyawa, buɗe dangantaka, ɗimbin yawa, da ƙari.

Jira, to menene bambanci tsakanin polyamorous da bude dangantaka? "Waɗannan sharuɗɗan dangantaka na iya nufin abubuwa daban -daban ga mutane daban -daban," in ji Sloane. Yawanci, ko da yake, "lokacin da wani ya yi amfani da kalmar 'polyamorous,' suna amfani da ita don bayyana dangantakar da ke da alaƙa da soyayya, sabanin jima'i kawai," in ji ta. Buɗaɗɗen dangantaka, a daya bangaren, yakan haɗa da samun abokin tarayya ɗaya wanda shine babban abin matsi / abin buɗaɗɗen ku / abokin zaman ku / zumar ku, da sauran abokan tarayya waɗanda ke da jima'i. A taƙaice, yayin da dangantaka mai buɗewa da alaƙar polyamorous duka ayyuka ne na ɗabi'a marasa aure guda ɗaya, alaƙar polyamorous galibi suna da ɗigon ɗaki don haɗin haɗi fiye da ɗaya. (Mai Alaƙa: Abubuwa 6 da Mutane Guda Guda Guda Za Su Iya Koyi daga Buɗe Dangantaka)

Kawai ku tuna: "Don gano abin da wani ke nufi lokacin da suka ce suna cikin alaƙar polyamorous, tambaye su, saboda hakanyayi yana nufin abubuwa daban -daban ga mutane daban -daban, ”in ji Sloane.

Wasu alaƙar poly suna da “tsari” yayin da wasu ba su da

Kamar dai yadda babu alaƙa guda biyu masu kamanceceniya da juna, haka ma alaƙar da ke tsakanin juna biyu. "Akwai hanyoyi daban-daban don samun kusanci da mutane da yawa, don haka akwai hanyoyi da yawa da dangantaka ta polyamorous za ta iya bayyana da kuma wasa," in ji Amy Boyajian, Shugaba kuma wanda ya kafa Wild Flower, wani sabon salon jima'i na jima'i da kuma babba. kantin sayar da.

Sloane ya bayyana cewa wasu masu goyon baya suna bin tsarin dangantaka wanda a cikinsa ake ɗaukar abokan tarayya a matsayin "firamare," "na biyu," "jama'a," da sauransu, dangane da matakin sadaukar da kai. "Wasu ba za su yi amfani da lakabi na yau da kullun ba, amma za su tsara 'mahimmancin' alakar su a kusa da wadanda suke zaune da su, suna da yara, da sauransu," in ji ta. A gefe guda kuma, wasu mutane suna guje wa “daraja” mutanen da suke so da kuma jin daɗinsu, in ji Sloane.

Tantance tsarin dangantaka (ko rashin sa) wanda ya fi dacewa da ku yana buƙatar fahimtar kanku da abin da kuke buƙata daga alakar ku, in ji Boyajian. "Kuna buƙatar zurfafa tunani a kan abin da kuke jin daɗi da shi, menene bukatun ku, sannan ku iya sadarwa da waɗannan abubuwan ga abokan ku da abokan hulɗar ku."

Jama'ar kowane jinsi, jima'i, da matsayin dangantaka na iya zama poly

"Duk wanda ya yi imani da kuma ya himmatu wajen samun alakar da ba ta daya ba zai iya gano wannan salon soyayya," in ji Taylor.

BTW, ku ma za ku iya zama marasa aure kuma ku zama poly. Hakanan kuna iya yin bacci tare ko saduwa da mutum ɗaya kawai kumahar yanzu gane a matsayin poly. "Bayyanawa a matsayin poly baya nufin kukullum Ku sami abokan tarayya da yawa lokaci guda, "in ji Boyajian," Kamar kasancewa ɗan luwadi ne. Har yanzu kuna yin jima'i ko da a halin yanzu ba ku da dangantaka ko kuma kuna kwana da kowa!" (Mai alaƙa: Abin da Ake nufi Ya zama Ruwan Jinsi ko Gano A Matsayin Ba na Biyu)

A'a, kasancewar poly ba "sabon salo bane"

Polyamory na iya zama kamar wani abu ~ duk yara masu sanyi suna yin ~ amma yana da tarihi mai daɗi. Powell ya ce "'Yan asalin yankin da mutanen banza suna yin hakan shekaru da yawa," in ji Powell. "Kuma lokacin da muka kira shi 'yanayin', muna goge tarihin ire-iren mutanen da suka kasance suna yin ɗabi'a mara aure a cikin tarihi, kafin farar fata ta Yamma ta fara yin ta."

Don haka me yasa ya zama kamar ba zato ba tsammani wani abu ne kowa ke yi? Na farko, shakatawa. Bakowa da kowa yana yi. Yayin da wani bincike ya gano cewa kimanin kashi 21 cikin 100 na jama'ar Amirka sun yi ƙoƙari na rashin auren mace ɗaya a wani lokaci a rayuwarsu, wata majiya ta ce kashi 5 cikin 100 ne kawai na jama'a.a halin yanzu a cikin dangantakar da ba mace ɗaya ba. Koyaya, bayanan baya -bayan nan aƙalla shekaru biyu ne, don haka masana suka ce kashimay zama dan kadan mafi girma.

Sloane kuma tana ba da hasashen nata: "A matsayinta na al'umma, muna iya kasancewa a wurin da muke ƙara yin tattaunawa game da abin da ya ƙunshi soyayya da dangantaka," in ji ta. "Kuma yayin da muke tattaunawa game da polyamory, yawancin mutane suna iya la'akari da kansu." (Labarai: Abin Mamakin Dalilin Da Mata Suke Son Saki Fiye Da Maza)

Haɗuwa da Polyamorous ba kawai game da kwanciya bane

Akwai kuskuren fahimtar cewa polyamory game da buƙata ko sha'awar yin jima'i da yawa tare da mutane da yawa, Stanley kwanan nan ya raba a kan Instagram. Amma "gaskiya gaskiya ce mai yawa," ta rubuta.Kamar yadda Powell yayi bayani: "Polyamory ba game da jima'i bane, yana nufin sha'awar (ko aikatawa) na son samun alaƙa masu ƙauna da yawa."

A zahiri, wani lokacin jima'i baya kasancewa akan tebur. Misali, mutanen da suka bayyana a matsayin masu jima'i (ma'ana ba sa sha'awar yin jima'i) na iya kasancewa cikin dangantaka mai ban sha'awa, ma, in ji malamin jima'i Dedeker Winston, marubucin littafin.Jagoran Yarinya Mai Wayo zuwa Polyamory. "Ga mutanen da ke lalata, polyamorous yana ba su damar haɓaka alaƙa a kusa da sadaukarwa, kusanci, ƙimomin da aka raba, da gogewa tare da abokin tarayya ko abokan tarayya, yayin da har yanzu ke barin wannan abokin tarayya ya zama jima'i."

Amma, ba shakka, jima'i na iya zama wani ɓangare na shi

"Polyamory shine game da tsara salon dangantakar niyya da ke aiki a gare ku, don haka jima'i na iya zama direba na farko ko kuma kawai wani bangare," in ji malamin jima'i kuma mai binciken jinsi Ren Grabert, M.Ed. (BTW: Idan kuna tunanin poly = orgies koyaushe, sake sake zato. Tabbas, ƙungiyar rukuni na iya zama wani lokaci daga ciki.

Kuma lokacin jima'ishine wani bangare na shi, Boyajian ya ce sadarwa game da ayyukan aminci na jima'i da matsayin STI shine mabuɗin. "Shin kuna amfani da kariya tare da dukkan abokan huldar ku? Shin ƙungiyar ku ta keɓe ga juna don haka ba ta amfani da shinge? Shin za ku yi amfani da kariya tare da duk abokan tarayya amma ɗaya, wanda kuke da alaƙa da ruwa?" Waɗannan cikakkun bayanai yakamata a amince dasu kafin saduwar jima'i ta faru kuma yakamata ya zama tattaunawa mai gudana. (Ga yadda za ku tambayi abokin tarayya idan sun yi gwajin STD.)

Matsakaicin maɗaukakiyar alaƙa * ba * don sadaukarwa-phobes

Akwai rashin fahimta cewa kasancewa polyamorous daidai yake da "mara kyau a sadaukarwa." Wannan hogwash ne. A zahiri, Taylor ya ce poly yana buƙatar aton sadaukarwa-ga kanku da kuma ga mutanen da kuke gani. "Yi tunani game da shi: Kasancewa cikin alaƙa da mutane da yawa yana buƙatar sadaukar da kai ga mutanen da kuke hulɗa da su ko gani da kuma girmama su da iyakokin alakar ku."

A zahiri, idan kun fara saduwa da juna musammansaboda kuna da tsoron sadaukarwa, wataƙila dangantakarku za ta yi kasala, in ji Powell. "Abin da ke faruwa ya faru shine goyon baya ya ƙare kawo sadaukarwar su - da kuma al'amuran da suka zo tare da shi - a cikin dangantaka da yawa, maimakon ɗaya kawai." Wof.

Idan kuna son yin gwaji tare da saduwar polyamorous, kuna buƙatar yin binciken ku

Wataƙila koyaushe kuna son bincika polyamory. Wataƙila sakon ƙauna na Stanely ga abokan aikinta bayan hadarin keke ("Ina kuma jin daɗin godiya ga abokan tarayya da kuma yadda suka riƙe ni da juna a daren jiya / wannan safiya") ya motsa sha'awar ku. Ko watakila kana da sha'awar neman tunani na gaba. Ko menene dalili, idan kai-ko kai da abokin tarayya-suna son yin gwaji tare da polyamory, kuna buƙatar yin bincikenku.

Kudos, wannan labarin yana ƙidaya. Amma idan kun kasancea zahiri neman yin kwanan wata da jima'i, bai wadatar ba. "Yin bincike kan alakar polyamorous, iyakoki a cikin wannan dangantakar, da kuma abin da kuke nema daga saduwa da juna yana da mahimmanci," in ji Grabert.

Don haka, ƙwararrun da aka zanta da su suna da shawarwari masu zuwa:

• Podcast na Multiamory
• Lokacin da Wani da kuke So Yana da Polyamorous ta Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D.
• Gina Buɗe Dangantaka: Jagoran Hannunku Don Yin Swinging, Polyamory, & Beyondta Liz Powell, Psy.D.
• Lalacewar Da'a: Jagora Mai Haɓaka Zuwa Polyamory, Buɗe Abokan Hulɗa, da Sauran 'Yanci by Janet W. Hardy da Dossie Easton
• Fiye da Biyu: Jagora ga Auren Monogaɗi na ɗabi'a Franklin Veaux da Hauwa'u Ricket
• Rubutun Poly.Land
• Shafin yanar gizo na SoloPoly

Bita don