Shin Shiga Tare Zai Rage Dangantakarku?

Wadatacce

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Kafin mu yi aure, ni da maigidana mun sanya hannu kan abin da ya zama kamar zaman zaman ƙungiyar ƙungiya kafin aure-taron karawa juna sani na kwana-kwana kan sirrin ƙungiyar haɗin gwiwa, cike da darussan gudanar da rikici da shawarwarin jima'i. Na ji kamar dalibin tauraro a cikin dakin - bayan haka, ni editan jima'i ne - har malaminmu ya fara kawar da haɗarin zama tare kafin ya ce "Na yi." Hujjar ta: wasu 'yan shekarun da suka gabata na nuna cewa ma'auratan da suka yi aure kafin aure sun fi iya kashe aure. A hankali na leka dakin, ina fatan in ga wasu mutane da kalaman laifin da na sani an shafe min fuska.

Ni da maigidana mun koma tare tare watanni uku kacal kafin mu sami matsala. Kuma, idan kuna magana da masanan kimiyyar da ke bincike tare, muna yin hakan ne saboda dalilan da ba daidai ba: Na gaji da tuƙa mintuna ashirin zuwa wurinsa, ginin gidana yana da kwari, kuma zan adana kusan dala dubu a wata . A takaice dai, ba mu yi hakan ba saboda ba za mu iya jure rabuwa da wasu kwanaki 90 ba.

Abin da muka yi yana faruwa a gare mu: Mun riga mun yi alkawari. Ba mu raba adireshi a matsayin hanyar gwada dangantakarmu ba - wanda shine, a cewar Scott Stanley, Ph.D., babban darektan Cibiyar Nazarin Aure da Ilimin Iyali ta Jami'ar Denver-kamar mafi munin dalilin shack sama. "Dalilin [zama tare] yana da matukar mahimmanci," in ji shi. A cikin binciken 2009, ƙungiyarsa ta gano cewa mutanen da suka shiga tare a matsayin "auren gwaji" sun kasance suna da ƙarancin sadarwa, ƙananan matakan sadaukarwa, da ƙarancin amincewa da ƙarfin haɗin gwiwa.

Wuri ɗaya mai ɗorawa musamman: Lokacin da kuka shiga tare-kuma ba ku riga kan hanyar yin aure ba-a lokaci guda kuna gano wanda ke tsaftace banɗaki da yadda ake raba kuɗin haya, yayin da kuma ke yanke shawara idan kuna cikin shi na dogon lokaci, in ji Stanley. A al'adance, ma'aurata ba lallai ne su watsar da ayyukan gida ba har sai sun sami matsala-amma a wannan yanayin, kuna yin manyan manyan matsaloli guda biyu a lokaci guda, ba tare da tabbatar da zobe a yatsanka ba.

Idan zaman tare bai yi ni'ima kamar yadda ake tsammani ba, mafita a fili ita ce rabuwa kawai. Matsalar ita ce, wannan abu ne mai wuya a yi. “Mutane da yawa sun yi imanin cewa yin rayuwa tare tun da wuri zai iya ƙarfafa aure,” in ji Anita Jose, Ph.D., ƙwararriyar ilimin ɗabi’a a Cibiyar Kiwon Lafiya ta Montefiore. "Koyaya, zama tare yana nufin mutane sun fara raba dabbobin gida, jinginar gida, haya, da sauran abubuwa masu amfani waɗanda ke da wahalar kawo ƙarshen alaƙar da wataƙila ta ƙare."

Sakamakon duka-na kowa? Ma'aurata marasa farin ciki suna kasancewa a ƙarƙashin rufin ɗaya - kuma a ƙarshe, suna iya yin aure, kawai saboda yana ganin abin da ya dace a yi bayan shekaru biyar na zama tare. Stanley yana da suna don wannan abin mamaki: "zamewa da yanke hukunci."

Duk da waɗannan binciken masu ban tsoro, akwai wasu bincike na baya-bayan nan da ke nuna cewa zama tare ba duka ba ne - cewa wasu ma'auratan da ke rayuwa tare suna rayuwa kamar yadda waɗanda ba su raba gado ba har sai sun ce, "Na yi." Wani binciken Ostiraliya, wanda aka buga a cikin Jaridar Aure da Iyali, har ma an gano cewa zama tare kafin aure yana rage haɗarin rabuwa. Bayani daya: Lokacin da yawancin ma'aurata marasa aure a wata ƙasa suka zaɓi zama tare, mummunan tasirin na iya fara ɓacewa. Stanley ya ce "Hujjar ita ce, zama tare ba zai taba zama mai hadari ba idan aka yarda da shi koyaushe-cewa ba zama tare ne ke cutar da ma'aurata. Abin kunya ne na zama tare. Mutane suna raina su," in ji Stanley.

Wancan ya ce, har yanzu yana tunanin gwagwarmayar da ke da alaƙa da zama tare-ko rashin ta-ya ragu zuwa sadaukarwa. "Haɗin kai bai gaya muku komai ba game da jajircewar ma'auratan," in ji shi. "Amma idan sun yi alƙawarin ko suna shirin makoma-ba lallai ne ya zama aure ba-wanda zai gaya muku ton game da ma'auratan." Wato, idan kun riga kun rigaya kun san makomarku tare, yin haɗin gwiwa tare ba zai cutar da damar ku na samun nasarar aure ba. Nazarin akai-akai yana nuna cewa ma'auratan da ke zaune tare suna more fa'idodi iri ɗaya-gamsuwa, sadaukarwa, ƙarancin rikici-kamar mutanen da suke jira har aure ya shigo.

Don haka ta yaya za ku iya tabbatar da cewa kun kasance ɗaya daga cikin ma'auratan da a ƙarshe suka shiga cikin farin ciki? "Fiye da kashi 50 na ma'auratan da ke shigowa ba sa magana kan abin da ake nufi," in ji Stanley. "Kuna tare dare huɗu a mako, sannan biyar, kuma ku bar wasu ƙarin sutura, haƙoran haƙora, caja na iPhone. Sannan hayar wani ya tashi kuma kwatsam kuna zaune tare. Ba tattaunawa, babu yanke shawara." Me ya sa hakan ke da haɗari: Wataƙila kuna da tsammanin mabambanta, wanda zai iya saita ku don jin kunya, in ji Jose. Kafin ku rattaba hannu kan yarjejeniyar haya, a bayyane ku raba abin da kuke tunanin motsi yana nufin: Shin kuna ganin wannan a matsayin mataki zuwa bagadi-ko kuma kawai hanyar adana kuɗi? Sa'an nan ka tambayi mutuminka ya yi haka. Idan kuna da sabanin ra'ayi, sake duba raba adireshi, in ji Stanley. Kuma kafin ku ɗauki matakin, yanke shawarar wanda ya yi ayyukan da kuma yadda za ku gudanar da ayyukan ku na kuɗi, in ji Stanley. Wannan lokacin mara daɗi lokacin da ma'aikacin ya kawo rajistan ku? ("Shin zan biya rabin?") Za ku fuskanci wannan sau goma lokacin da lissafin wutar lantarki na farko ya iso-kuma ba ku rigaya yanke shawarar wanda ke biyan abin ba.

Amma ni-tsohon abokin zama wanda ya aikata abubuwa ba daidai ba, rabi daidai, a idon masana? Shekara daya da kwana 112 da yin aure (eh, ina kirga), cikin farin ciki zan iya ba da rahoton cewa ni da mijina ba mu zama ɗaya daga cikin kididdigar da aka yi mana gargaɗi game da ajin mu kafin aure ba. Mun tsira, har ma mafi kyau, mun bunƙasa. A gaskiya, bayan hutun amarci, na gano cewa mun sami damar jin daɗin sabon aurenmu kawai, ba tare da sanin aikin wane ne ya kwashe kwandon shara ba (nasa, BTW). An riga an rarrabe dankon kasancewar mu tare, wanda ya bar mu kawai don jin daɗin farin cikin mu na aure.

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